Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain

Video Transcript (edited and formatted by the editor):

How many of you, when something goes wrong, the first thing you want to know is whose fault it is?

Hi. My name is Brené. I’m a blamer. I need to tell you this quick story from a couple of years ago when I realised the magnitude to which I blame… I’m in my house. I have on white slacks and a pink sweater. I’m drinking a cup of coffee in my kitchen – a full cup of coffee. I drop it on the tiled floor. It goes into a million pieces, splashes up all over me. And the first… I mean a millisecond after it hit the floor, right out of my mouth is this: “Damn you Steve!” He is my husband. Let me tell you how fast this works for me. So, Steve plays water polo with friends. The night before, he went to play water polo. I said, “Make sure you come back at ten. I can’t fall asleep until you’re home.” He got back at 10.30, so I went to bed a little bit later than I thought. Ergo, my second cup of coffee, that I probably would not be having had he come home when we discussed. So, the rest of the story is, I’m cleaning up the kitchen. Steve calls. Caller ID. I’m, like…
Me: “Hey.”

Steve: “Hey. What’s going on, babe?”

Me: “Huh. What’s going on? Um… I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on. I’m cleaning up the coffee that spilled all…”

How many of you go to that place, when something bad happens, the first thing you want to know is whose fault is it? I’d rather it be MY fault than no one’s fault. Because why? It gives us some semblance of control. If you enjoy blaming, this is where you should stick your fingers in your ears and do the “nanana” thing, cos I’m getting ready to ruin it.

Here’s what we know from the research. Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability. Accountability, by definition, is a vulnerable process.

It means me calling you and saying, “My feelings were really hurt about this.” And talking, not blaming. Blaming is simply a way that we discharge anger. People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to actually hold people accountable, because we spend all of our energy raging for 15 seconds and figuring out whose fault something is.

Blaming’s very corrosive in relationships. It’s one of the reasons we miss our opportunities for empathy. Because when something happens and we’re hearing a story, we’re not really listening. We’re in the place where I was – making the connections as quickly as we can about whose fault something was.